Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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