if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
