I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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