pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
