My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize