You just made me feel so damn special
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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