There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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