I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
