Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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