The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Randomize
