i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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