You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
