theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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