gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
