She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
