Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
