i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
