its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
