that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
