finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
