I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
