Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Randomize
