I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
