Cold hands, warm shart.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
