Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
