I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I skipped work to stalk him.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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