I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
