I think I won the penis lottery.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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