If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
