I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
