And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
