If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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