Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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