the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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