You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
