I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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