We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
