do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
