Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Randomize
