i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
