I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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