FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
