I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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