just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
