So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
