i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
is it fun? or sober?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
