I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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