More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Randomize
