So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
