I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize