Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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