I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
