My hand turned me down
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
