my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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