Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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