ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
