I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
