I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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