We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
