Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
