I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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