Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize