He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
