it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
