Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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