U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize