I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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