One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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