i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
