May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
