Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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