I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
