There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
